Don't Serve Liver
(This piece can be sung to a tune that is amazingly similar to Ol' Man River. The ghosts of Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein will probably haunt me!)

Paul Molyneux


Honey, you know that I love you dearly.
But now that we're wed, my beloved wife,
Here's some advice offered quite sincerely
That will avoid untold pain and strife.


I can endure any nags or screaming.
But this one point I won't overlook.
I won't abide gastronomic scheming.
Keep this in mind when you plan to cook.


Don't serve liver—I don't like liver.
Can't think of nothin' that ain't disgustin'
'Bout eatin' liver. For meat, that stuff's bottom rung.

I just love turkey and lamb and 'possum;
And good prime beef makes my taste buds blossom,
But as for liver—it makes me wanna die young!

Years I've struggled, strained, and tried!
I just can't take it, baked or fried!
I'm taking charge! Avoid travail!
Press me any more... I swear I'll land in jail!

I get queasy when liver's fryin'
Please, call the doctor, I think I'm dyin'.
So don't serve liver; I'd rather cut off my tongue!