"Right, sir. Thank you for coming to the game, sir. Hope to see you again, sir." Bum. What does he know? If he thinks he can do any better, let him come down here and try! Bet he would have done the same thing. Times like this I wish I was still coaching back at that high school, the one in...well, wherever the heck it was. I'll see if I can get a little peace 'n quiet up in the office before the press conference. And I'll talk to the chief about moving the locker room tunnel to the band entrance...the one that's farther away from our fans.

"You had fourth and two and you think you can run it up the middle? Why don't you go back to Lansing, loser?"

"Good to see you, sir. Glad you enjoyed the game, sir." Lansing. That was it.

Three minutes later...

Ahhhhhh...nothing like the solace of an office right next to the locker room! I love the smell of shoulder pads after a game.

"Coach, phone call. It's your wife."

No doubt, my best friend and lover calling to offer her gentle comfort and support. "Hi, Honey."

"There are four moving vans outside the house! Did you lose another one?"

So much for gentle comfort and support.

"How did you blow it this time...another fake punt? I thought we saw the last of that one when we lived in...you know..."

"Lansing."

"That's it--Lansing! I can't deal with this anymore! You were just one quarter away from finishing up barber college--one lousy quarter! Why did you have to give it up to chase this stupid dream of yours and coach football? I'm sure your brother would be glad to give you a chair at his shop. It's not too late, you know. And the kids and I could join you when school's over."

"This is October. I can't leave in the middle of the season."

"Oooo, you're impossible! I don't even know why I married you. I should have listened to my mother when she told me to look for someone else!"

"That was my mother who said that. Look, I've gotta go, it's almost time for the press conference." Ten minutes to Zero Hour. Before I talk to those scandalmongers I had better check in with the other coaches and find out what really went on out there today.

"Coach Lawson, would you come in here, please?"

"Uh, yeah, Coach?"

"You're my offensive coordinator. Tell me why you told me to call an off-center halfback right on fourth down with two yards to go."

"Well…uh…because it was supposed to work."

"Supposed to work? That one hasn't gotten us more than a yard all season. Why did you think it was supposed to work this time?"

"Because when I tried it out, it worked."

"What do you mean, 'tried it out'? Did you run it against the scout team?"

"Uh…no...not exactly..."

"So it wasn't against the scout team. Would you care to enlighten me on whom you 'tried it out'? And don't roll your eyes from side to side trying to buy time!"

"Well, it was our team but not all of our regular players."

"Then you used our second team...right?"

"No, it was more like the 1996 team."

"The 1996 team. The 1996 team? Half of them are in the pros and the other half are still in summer school. How, in this ever lovin' world, did you ever pull off a stunt like that?"

"By choosing them."

"...'by choosing them'. Lawson, I'm getting a real bad feeling about where this conversation is going. Explain yourself--and use complete sentences! And quit rolling your eyes!"

"You see, coach, the only team I could choose against their current team was our '96 team. I ran the series of downs, and on fourth, that's the one it came up with and it worked."

"'It' came up with? Lawson, you didn't let those pencil-neck geeks over at Babbage Hall talk you into doing another computer simulation, did you? They're still trying to get even with our guys over that little stunt they pulled in the dorms last year."

"Um...it wasn't exactly a computer simulation."

"Well, then...exactly what type of simulation was it?"

"Nntdo."

"I didn't hear you, mister. Tell me again -- and say it louder."

"Nintendo."

"Good grief, Charlie Brown. You mean you used a lousy Nintendo to pick a critical play...something you got from a lousy video game?"

"Gee, coach, it's not like that at all. I used their best system."

"Their best system? That's a fine kick in the pants! A Nintendo! Even teenagers don't use them anymore! You may as well have used a dart board!"

"Hey, it's not like I didn't want to, but somebody stole it..."

"Enough! Lawson, if you weren't the village idiot before you came here, what did you do--place or show?"

"I dunno. I've got to think about that one. Maybe my mom knows. I'll give her a call."

"Don't do a thing! Just sit in that chair and count the holes in the ceiling tiles until I get back!"

"Sure, coach. Uh, do you want me to write it down on a piece of paper when I finish?"

Five minutes later...

"Let me begin by saying that this was a difficult loss for our team, and the coaches and I take full responsibility for what happened out there today. The players did extremely well under the circumstances and they can hold their heads high...these scholar-athletes have what it takes to get through this." And I'm sure I'm gonna see some of these 'scholar-athletes' in my barber college class next year. "Who's got the first question?"

"Over here, Coach."

Of course, it had to be him. I wish they'd send him out the Home and Garden Show...if there's anyone who can crack that big daffodil scandal, he's the one. "Yes, Mr. Sanders..."

"That's 'Saunders' coach, but that's all right."

"Sorry Mr. Saunders. I guess I'm getting as old and senile as you said I was in your pre-season column."

"Just doin' my job. Now, Coach Hillerman...you sent Flynn up the middle on fourth down with two yards to go, on their thirty-five yard line. Wasn't that kind of risky, considering you had a very capable flanker, fullback, and wide-out in there?"

Sure. Throw to a wide receiver who believed it when their safety told him his shoe was untied. That'll win a lot of ball games. "Let me just say this: hindsight is always 20/20, as I'm sure you're painfully aware, Mr. Saunders. And by the way, did you ever get that indictment cleared up?"

"Uh, no..."

"Gimme a call when your case comes up. You can imagine how anxious I am to get on the stand as a character witness for you. Next question. Yes, Miss..."

"Patsy Kaiser, Coach Hillerman. I interviewed you last year for the lifestyles magazine, and now they made me a sports reporter. Don't you remember? I was wearing the red dress with the white collar...just like your school colors."

"Silly me. How could I forget. What's your question, Miss Kaiser?"

"Well, I was just wondering...why were the fans throwing oranges at you after the game? Don't they normally throw eggs?"

"Yes, but even with this loss we're still on the short list to go to the Orange Bowl."

"Oooo...then I guess it's a good thing we aren't going to the Gator Bowl."

"Er...uh...yes...I suppose that's the case. Who's next?"

"That would be me, sir. Ted Pondackie, from the University Times. Mr. Hillerman, I've been examining your play selection from a scientific, analytical standpoint."

Hmmm...I thought that was a pocket protector underneath his jacket. Bet he's got a slide rule tucked under there, too.

"And, sir, calling that particular play was a definite non sequitur in terms of precedents set by your past play selections."

Sheesh! Now he's throwing Latin at me! What's next...Euclidian Geometry?

"Given the Theta angle as determined by points "A" and "B"--which are your center and quarterback, respectively--offset by the differential of the positions of the opposing players, the hypotenuse--which was formed by the halfback who carried the ball--was at an angle at which it was technically impossible to achieve the needed yardage."

He did it! The nerd actually went ahead and did it! Geometry at a post-game football press conference! Isn't there a computer convention somewhere out there today?

"In fact, that particular call is similar to what was selected by one of my roommates' Atari College Football game."

"That was quite an analysis, Poindexter."

"It's 'Pondackie', sir."

"Oh, yes...pardon me, Mr. Pondackie. First of all, I can assure you that it wasn't an Atari that chose that play. And secondly, there are intangibles in the game of football--as in the game of life--that just don't lend themselves to scientific scrutiny."

"But you would agree, sir, that there are certain situations--such as fourth down with two yards to go--in which systematic data should be consulted?"

I wonder if anybody out there has a ticket to Lansing?