A Twisted Slice Interview
In our burning desire to keep readers posted on further developments
from previous features, we are departing from our usual interview format
to make you aware of a revolutionary experiment conducted by the Pizza
World-New Hope Church. If you missed our original interview with the world's
first church to boast corporate sponsorship, check out Will
the Real Sponsor Please Stand Up? in our archives section. (note: To
return to this spot after viewing the archive, use the 'back" button on
your browser.)
This controversial congregation has opened the first chain of religion
convenience stores. Currently boasting twelve locations, the church plans
to have eighty more in operation by the millennium change. A facsimile
of their advertising follows and speaks for itself.
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Do you want God only when you need
him?
When you need Him, do you have
difficulty finding Him?
Do you fear the trap of commitment
by finding Him in a church?
Then look for Him in
7-HEAVEN
The Religion Convenience Store
At last there is a national chain of religious convenience stores dedicated
to supplying all your needs at any time your heart desires. What makes
us different? Check out this list of our unique features:
Convenient neighborhood locations; No wasted
time when need arises. We deliver. If you can't come to God, we'll bring
him to you.
Inconspicuous design; Never
fear embarrassment when friends are around. All locations are designed
to look like a pool hall so that your religious needs remain private.
Superstore selections in a cozy setting; We
service all your needs. Over 20,000 items in stock. Special orders available
for special needs.
No pretensions of orthodoxy; We strip all
restrictive ethics.
“When tragedy strikes, find peace in 7-HEAVEN!”
DEPARTMENTALIZED FOR EASY SELECTION
This Week's Specials:
drug department
SPIRIT-DOZ - The revolutionary conscience deadener. Puts your
conscience to sleep instantly. No guilt, no trauma, no matter what your
affliction. Limit 1 per customer.
book department
The Pearly Gate Encyclopedia of Assurances - Hundreds of scripture
passages selected for that “feel good” effect. All are carefully
extracted from context to prevent anxiety attacks from references to commitment.
Prayer and the Occasional Emergency - Out of practice in your
prayer life? You've seen others try it with infrequent success. Now you
can learn the techniques that will make you sound like a devoted practitioner!
Special Bonus Sections: whining and begging with pride; pet phrases that
God likes to hear.
grocery department
Assorted Miracles - Canned, frozen, or fresh. God's power in
ready-to-use
form that saves the trouble of finding God. Stock up for those times
when you
need ‘em in a hurry!
This Week Only:
Every 100th customer will receive a free 12-pack
of Slurp-love™ Instant Blessing Powders. These revolutionary medications
are terrific for eliminating guilt or anxiety lest you start taking religion
too seriously!
When you get what you want with no strings attached, you're
in
7-HEAVEN
Check out this unsolicited testimonial:
"I want to like publicly thank 7-Heaven for like changing my life.
The dudes there
are like totally kewl and always make me look like a good believer
when it's to my
advantage. 7-Heaven is awesome! (K.J., Seattle)
Self-Love Marketing: Temptations
Unlimited
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