I was not always the gaunt figure that you see before you today. Not that long ago I was a portly CPA on his way to the top. Like many so-called "liberal thinkers" I was open to new ideas and did not feel bound by stuffy notions of morality. So, it was not unusual for me to find myself at "progressive" parties where I would take a "hit" of nose drops, just to be social. It wasn't like I was hooked or anything, I was still my own man. Then one Friday night a friend in work invited me to a party he was having. That party was to be my true initiation into a seamy world of abuse and subtle addiction that would consume my life for the next three years. The party began innocently enough, just a few friends getting together for some harmless fun.

I'll admit that I felt more relaxed then I had in a long time. Then around 10:00pm the host of the party started handing out decongestant inhalers to the guests. Soon everyone was "snorting" away on their inhalers and getting "getting loose" or "chasing the drip" as it is called in the vernacular. Normally I would have never considered doing any serious snorting myself, but the mood was infectious; people were getting ready for night of reckless nose abuse. Besides, I reasoned, I felt like I might be coming down with a cold.

I took my first tentative hit off a proffered inhaler and immediately felt a surreal rush of clear headedness; I took another hit, then another. The rest of that night and the months to follow became nothing more then a blur of nasal excess for me. I vaguely remember "sitting-in" with a group of serious addicts, or "nosies" as they were called as they passed around a giant 3 quart squeeze bottle of long lasting nasal spray. It took two hands just to squeeze off a hit on that monster. Some even went as far as to heat up the bottle with lighters just to intensify the "rush". I remember looking across at a group of people "doing up" a bottle of 12 hour 1% drops or "deconing" as they liked to call it. I was in the presence of serious, hardcore nosies, some of which scorned the use of the droppers and spray heads altogether, opting to pour the contents into their nose via small funnels. This habit, which I was soon to acquire, was know as "mainlining"," dropping in", or simply "dropping". That night's awareness ended for me when I blundered over to a pony keg of child strength decongestant and stuck my nose under the freely flowing spigot until I, apparently, passed out.

I climbed back to consciousness late the next day suffering from a near fatal sinus headache and burning nasal passages. I was impossibly congested and remained so until I dosed each nostril with 1/2 bottle of adult strength drops. Though I didn't realize it at the time, I was suffering from "rebound", where my congestion would only worsen after coming down from the seductive sweetness of nasal cavities that were far to clear.

I soon found that I needed drops throughout the day and in increasing amounts just to suck in enough air to operate and to rid myself of the horrible congestion that awaited me when I "crashed" or as it is commonly called "taking a nose dive".

All to soon, one bottle became two and two became three and then folks at the drug store started giving me strange looks and muttered behind my back. I started "padding" my orders with condoms, pregnancy tests and gum, hoping they wouldn't notice the six-pack of nasal freedom mixed in with the other "supplies". Then one night I attempted to score a case of nose drops and the pharmacist threatened to call the police. Soon no reputable drug store would let me in the door, saying that it was for my own good and that I was "creeping them out". As my decline progressed, I began to frequent the seamy all-night drug stores in the "bad part of town" until even they had seen enough. I was on the streets then, hustling for every drop, just another loser with a "monkey" on his nose.

My life began to unravel as I neglected my personal appearance, work, family and friends. I was in danger of losing everything as I followed my nose down a path that was congested with failures just like me. Then fate stepped in when I scored some dangerous, banned nose drops manufactured somewhere in the Pacific Rim. I quickly squeezed off a single drop in each nostril and for three days my nose was not my own. The next thing I remember is being arrested for creating a disturbance at a local hardware store. I had apparently purchased a quart of liquid drain cleaner and attempted to inhale it while still at the register. This unsettled the clerk and patrons at the check out line for some reason to such a degree that they felt compelled to restrain me until the police arrived.

I was found guilty of attempted crimes against myself and of generally depraved behavior. The court elected to send me to "Proboscis House" (also referred to as the "Nasal Academy"), a rehabilitation center for those suffering with my addiction. As you might guess my subsequent recovery was a slow and painful one. It was marked by countless (N=117) sleepless nights as I was slowly weaned away from nose drops. Soon I was off of the "hard stuff" and using infant strength and eventually saline solution; I had purged myself of my subtle addiction.

Well, that's my story. I stand before you now as the Regional Director of Proboscis House. It is not a pretty story but drop addiction is not a pretty thing. Laugh it off if you dare, I know that I did. Pretend that it could never happen to you. Keep pretending until you wake up one morning in a cheap flophouse, unsure of how you got there. When that day comes your head will ache, your nose will burn and you will realize that you are just another nosie on his way to nasal destruction. Perhaps when that day comes you will be strong enough to back away from the abyss that lies before you.

Then again maybe you will not and will end up "nose dead", your nose little more then a decoration in the middle of your face, something to hang your glasses on. I hope for your sake that day will never come.

Thank you, I will now attempt to answer any questions you might have.