Luana Krause is an advertising copywriter in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Her writing has appeared on grocery lists, insurance forms, pawn shop tickets, credit card receipts and suicide notes.
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Luana Krause
Q: What is the AE?
A: The Autumnal Equinox is the day of the year in which there are
exactly 12 hours of daylight and 12 hours of darkness. According to
the Julian calendar, it occurs in autumn, hence the name "Autumnal."
Note to reader: Many people erroneously believe that the Julian calendar was named for Julius Caesar. Not true. It was actually named for Julian Lennon, son of former Beatle John Lennon, who, "back in the day" in Liverpool, was knocking back pints with his friend Paul, and vowed that someday he would be so popular he would create his own calendar.
Q: What's so special about the AE?
A: Nothing.
Q: Is the AE an official holiday?
A: Absolutely! The AE is one of America's most popular holidays,
surpassed only by Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, Groundhog Day,
Wear-A-Beanie-To-Work Day, and Deadline for Filing Your Income Tax.
Q: How do I celebrate the AE?
A: Eat everything in sight, then sit on the couch and watch TV until
you fall asleep.
Q: Are there any AE traditions?
A: Of course! Many people enjoy reading on this holiday and the
following books have become AE standards: The Sun Also Rises, The
Autumn of Our Discontent, For Whom the Autumnal Equinox Tolls, A Tale
of Two Autumnal Equinoxes, Who's Afraid of the Autumnal Equinox, and
To Kill a Mocking Autumnal Equinox.
If the classics aren't your thing, these nonfiction titles are quite stimulating and will provide hours of enjoyment: Martha Stewart's Guide to the Autumnal Equinox (it's a good thing), and Chicken Soup for the Autumnal Equinox Soul.
Q: What about music?
A: The celebration wouldn't be complete without AE holiday songs:
It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like the Autumnal Equinox, Have Yourself
a Merry Little Autumnal Equinox, and I'm Dreaming of a Brown Autumnal
Equinox.
Q: What's the traditional Autumnal Equinox feast?
A: Sunkist Oranges and Moon Pies.
Q: Do kids participate in the festivities?
A: Zippity doo dah, YES! Kids look forward to the AE with an
excitement that only rivals a trip to the dentist, the first day of
school or getting socks for Christmas. A favorite game kids enjoy on
this special day is to make complete sentences using only the letters
in Autumnal Equinox: Nine tall tax men eat quail and ox tail—Tell
it to a toxic latte mole—I'm a lean, mean latex minx.
Another popular activity is the AE meatball-eating contest. (You might ask, "What does a meatball have to do with the Autumnal Equinox?" Duh! It's a perfect sphere like the moon, and with the right spices it's hotter than the sun on the fourth of July!)
Complete the day by tucking little Johnny or Suzy into bed and reading the Traditional Autumnal Equinox Nursery Rhyme:
Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Three bags full.
One for my master. One for my dame.
And one for the Autumnal Equinox freak that lives down the lane.
Q: Is there anything else I should know about the AE?
A: Thought you'd never ask! The Official Pain Reliever of the
Autumnal Equinox is Tylenol PM, Official Beverage is Half-and-Half,
Official Psychotic Disorder is Bi-polar, Official Superhero is
Batman, and Official Soap Opera is "As the World Turns."
I never realized that the AE was such a fun-filled holiday. I think I'll go make an ebay bid right now on that "Got Autumnal Equinox?" T- shirt...just as soon as I finish my milk and Oreos, the Official Midnight Snack of the Autumnal Equinox.