As the automobile industry thrived, another mechanical age phenomenon grew in parallel proportions--auto theft. Many folks who wanted a car were either too poor to buy one or, in many cases, simply preferred to spend their money on other things even though they wanted a car in the worst way. Their solution to realizing the dream yet maintaining their financial position was, simply, to help themselves to someone else's wheels. (Believe me, this was the worst way to get one.) While the law took a dim view of this type of status enhancement, jurisprudence opted to treat illegal procurement of mechanical horses different from the theft of live ones. Instead of hanging offenders (the traditional fate of horse thieves), the courts levied small fines and/or short terms of incarceration and then returned the perpetrators to the streets where they could popularize their philosophies and procreate.

As time passed, competing automobile manufacturers developed different options and equipment, the most notable of which was distinctive styling. Car shoppers had a literal plethora of choices as to how that new vehicle would reflect their personality and their taste. Theft soared. Entrepreneurial thieves established customized order channels so that those who could not find an unattended car of an appropriate style could network with those who had access to the goods. This venture quickly spread to include those who didn't have time to make their own selections, those who were just plain scared of the venture, and bargain hunters who were willing to pay but wanted better discounts than their local dealer would provide.

(Note: as of this writing, manufacturers have abandoned the most distinctive styling in favor of more and more optional accessories on models that are virtually indistinguishable from each other. While there is no definite proof, this author feels that such a move was more pandering to commercialization than removal of temptation from the crooks. Everyone effected by the 90’s correctness crazes could feel his automobile was unique while retaining the ability to look exactly like all the other herd nerds. This move actually helped the thieves because, now, all new models are “kewl.” Now they can concentrate on convenience items to make their selection “way kewl” or “fly.”)

Most people who own a car exercise regular standard maintenance on their automobiles. Tune-ups improve performance. Regular washing and waxing improves the appearance and prolongs life. You get the picture, I'm sure.
While such things are basically good, the more one does this, the more stress the owner must endure because he knows he has made his vehicle more attractive to the thief. This creates many dangers for the consumer: increased blood pressure, increased susceptibility to heart attack, wasting time worrying about the car when it is unattended, fear of traveling alone (Hijackophobia), and a great proclivity for rampant road rage. The advanced stages of this is known in the scientific community as CUSS (Chronic Unrelenting Sulking Syndrome).

Take heart, citizen! I have spent years researching this problem and herewith offer practical advice for personal well-being which will free you from the life-threatening disorders that are encouraged by holding title to an automobile. This treatise will also show that, by implementing the steps outlined herein, every car owner can make a significant contribution to the improvement of certain conditions that are currently a blight on our society. I have thoroughly tested, first hand, each of these steps over a period of years and I found them to be both safe and successful.

First, prevention is always superior to cure. Here is a list of actions one can take in the selection of a vehicle that will greatly reduce CUSS.

1. Choose a vehicle that is outside the current rage in appearance. Most thieves won't want it and it will be forever yours. (Note: We sadly mourn the passing of "steal-safe" new cars such as Yugo, Volkswagon’s "Thing," Rambler Americans, and that industry stalwart, Checker. Ever hear of anybody stealing one of those?)

2. Avoid red vehicles at all costs. The chances of theft multiply greatly for red cars. While varying shades of maroon are higher than usual risk, shun anything that can be described as “fire engine,” “flame,” “passion,” or “Kandy Apple.” Why? These colors have definite sexual connotations and it is an undisputed fact that sex sells. Ergo, the corollary: Sexy cars get stolen!

3. Buy used vehicles. Ten to twelve years old works best. Of course, you may keep them mechanically sound so that they are dependable transportation, but the crooks won't know that. They won't steal anything that they might have to invest some work in so that they can unload it. No fancy paint jobs! A few minor rust spots and at least one quarter panel finished with gray primer will have the same value as a $300.00 alarm system. (caveat: If you drive a vehicle vintage fifteen years or more, beware. Autos become antiques at twenty years and you may suddenly find that the market value on your heap has soared and you have become a prime target of an even more sophisticated group of miscreants.)

I once had a friend who, while in college, drove a Chevy that was twelve years old. He had so little anxiety about auto theft that when one of our crowd questioned him about not locking his car, he just grinned and said, “Heck no! If somebody would steal that, I'd be proud!” Besides, if you should happen to have interaction with the rare crook who is severely challenged in the IQ department and he steals your chariot anyway, you won't have lost much.

Now that you are in the right machine, here are the guidelines for theft (and vandal) protection:

1. Don't wash the car. Shiny paint and chrome just attracts thieves and invites them to test their skills. I realize that, from time to time, an unusual occasion like a funeral, wedding, or particularly hot date may necessitate a variance on this restriction. This is permissible, but once the affair is over, return the exterior to its normal condition by cruising through mud puddles and throwing mulch from your flower gardens on it. (Note: Some well intentioned people have included the words "wash me" handwritten in the dust on the deck lid as an additional deterrent. This has proven only marginally effective because it is too easily removed. Also, it subjects the owner of the vehicle to excessive and undue derision from the jerks of the world.

2. Should your vehicle sustain dings or bends from minor collisions, don't have them repaired. First of all, the repairs will probably cost more than the car is worth. But, even more important, those things, in combination with the rust, guarantee your uninterrupted ownership. (fringe benefit: Insurance is really cheap on these crates.)

3. Latch the hood only on the first catch. That will secure the hood in place, but will allow it to rise an inch or two above the outline of the fenders causing thieves to question the mechanical reliability of the automobile.

4. Because it is the law, you must keep a good and functional exhaust system on your car. To aid in the deception, get the really really cheap muffler. You know, the one at Mo’s Muffler Mercantile that costs $12.95 and has a 10 day or 10 mile warranty. Install it yourself so that you can fiddle with the tailpipe supports and let the whole thing hang down about three to four inches--more worry for the midnight maniacs.

5. Keep the interior full. This is the final step for your security and the most important one. Never allow the stranger who might look into your vehicle to see any hint of carpeting. Materials of choice include, but are not limited to: fast food wrappers (dried KFC chicken bones are especially effective), old newspapers (The longer they lay and turn yellow, the better.), library books, miscellaneous articles of clothing (avoid underwear, it attracts attention), dashboard parts, broken car radios, beverage cans (The original contents of the can matters only if you care about the particular image spread from these refugees from recycling), and empty antifreeze jugs. A couple of quarts of oil and some brake fluid add a nice finishing touch.

A friend of mine once specialized in filling his car's interior only with Burger King wrappers. This showed his flair for consistency and the aroma of decaying fat, mustard, catsup, and cheese that stuck to the wrappers actually caused would-be purloiners to flee the scene.
This practice not only discourages theft, but offers the fringe benefit of safe storage. If you do have valuable items or recent purchases that must remain in your car unattended, slip them under the pile. Who, in his right mind, would ever suspect that such an environment might house hidden treasure. Voila! We now have discouraged vandals. No worry about broken windows or jimmied doors. Besides they too would cost more to fix than the car is worth.

But wait. I'm not finished. All the benefits heretofore described are only for the well-being of the owner. The truly grand part of this scheme is its benefit to society. By removing the temptation, we show the errant crook how unprofitable crime can be. This encourages him to either get a job, or, if he's really money hungry, go on welfare. Either of these alternatives will enable him to learn the value of being a productive member of society and he'll be proud. He might even get religion and become a televangelist.

I challenge each and every person who reads this essay to implement my plan. Dare to break from the pack and be different. Think of the thrill when someday you too can hold you head high and announce to all the world, “Curse CUSS. I have sacrificed my auto-image for the benefit of myself and mankind. I will live linger and better. Society will be enabled to its pinnacle. God bless creative maintenance!”