| I read that Prince William will be attending college at St. Andrews University in Scotland next fall. (You thought maybe he was going to Buckingham A&T?) After trying to remember if Wills was the hunky blonde one or the pale red-headed one, I continued reading to learn that the number of applications to the college have skyrocketed, especially applications completed with pink ink, i's dotted with perky little hearts. That answered my question. Young William, a handsome royal (heretofore a contradiction in terms), is a big drawing card for prospective co-eds who have had posters of him pasted on their bedroom walls since they were eleven. Girls all over Great Britain are desperately trying to convince their parents that they have developed an overwhelming hankering for cafeteria haggis. They just know that if they can get that close to the boy who will be King, they have a great shot at being the girl who will be Queen - unless they have the misfortune to be named Camilla.
St. Andrews no doubt is used to rich kids, but a rich handsome royal may prove to be more of a pain in the neck than they imagine. I can see all sorts of unexpected problems arising. Aging half-bald photographers will be roaming the campus trying to pass themselves off as 18 year-old well-dressed rich kids. Not a pretty sight. The Prince will insist on a formal coronation when he is elected Student Body President. The Palace Guard who gets the unfortunate duty of standing post outside the Prince's dorm room will be up to his armpits in empty beer cans and dirty socks.
Family Day should really stir things up. The young Prince's father will most certainly show up on Family Day wearing that kilt he insists on wearing whenever he crosses the Scottish border and tries to look like he's trying to look Scottish. The Queen's corgis will run amok, terrorizing the school mascot, and Sarah Ferguson will talk the entire weightlifting team into joining Weight Watchers.
As a result of a member of the monarchy matriculating, St. Andrews has also felt obliged to add several new courses and revise some current ones in an effort to meet the educational needs of the King-to-be. Following is a partial listing of said courses:
- English - Construction of sentences using the royal pronoun "We". Example: "We are not amused at the grade you gave us on our paper."
- Music - Transforming "God Save the Queen" into rap tune: "God Save Big Royal Daddy"
- Biology - Learning the 4 Blood Types: A, B, O, and BLUE
- Business - Stepping into the Family Business: What to do until the CEO dies
- Physical Education - Dodge Ball is out. Dodge the Paparazzi is in.
- Genealogy - Tracing your family tree (May also count as a math, due to all those ancestors with Roman numerals behind their names)
Undergraduates at St. Andrews will have the distinction of being "old college chums" with a future King. There will be suitable awe and reverence for William all over campus. But at the pubs in town, there will be no handicap in the dart games. No valet or gentleman's gentleman will be there to act as taste tester. And not only will he have to learn to hold his ale, he'll have to stand on his own - in the queue for the loo.
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