"Yes, I know," he said, "it's intentional. We know that 80% of the people that call do not purchase tickets; consequently, the customer care system is operating at a loss. We also know that those that hold longer are more inclined to make a purchase."

"If you're still on after ten minutes, they give you some more buttons to push designed to weed out the less determined and get to those who actually plan to buy. And then they time the actual calls, the shorter the call, the better."

"It's all worked out by research. Besides, they want you to use the website, it's much cheaper for us."

I thought about how insidious that all was, the manipulation, those ultra pleasant voices telling you how important your call was to them, and then, when you finally get someone, they don't want to talk to you at all.

And it's not just the airlines - it's all businesses. Corporations today do not want to spend time with customers on the phone - it is simply not profitable.

And that got me wondering. If that's the case, how did they actually train people to answer phones these days? What did they teach them?

What indeed.

"Hi, I'm Pam Phlet and I'm here for the Customer Care Representative position."

"The what? Oh, yes, of course, the phone job. I'm Arthur Dodger, have you done phone work before?"

Pam: "Well, I did answer the phones at the Tushman's Transmission Temple: "Transmission Temple, if your shifting is drifting, please hold for the Rabbi of Repair."

Art: "Hmm, any other jobs?"

Pam: "Two years at the Department of Motor Vehicles."

Art: "That's better - perfect training for this job. OK, let me explain the situation. Customers call us looking for help, and we've found that the more we help them, the more they call."

"As a result, our costs to provide this service have risen sharply. Corporate has gotten involved and complained to Accounting, who in turn, tasked Support, that's us, to cut costs."

"We talked to PR who talked to Legal and they advised us to continue answering the phones, act as if we want to help, but do nothing."

"So, when the phone rings, you respond, but you do not provide any actual any services or assistance. Your sole function is to get the customer off the line."

"Now, these people have been holding and pushing buttons for at least fifteen minutes in our Delayed Response Access Gate, or DRAG, so the last thing they want to do is hang up. Your job is to turn that thinking around."

"If they absolutely insist on being helped, you pass the call to a supervisor, like me. Supervisors are specifically trained to handle problem customers - supervisors are experts at doing nothing."

"One other thing, you never give your name or location. We've had some unpleasant incidents; shotgun blasts through the window, car bombings, that sort of thing."

Pam: "Really? Well, let me try at least. What do I say?"

Art: "Here's a sheet with a script of a typical customer. Just respond as you would to a real voice. Make it up as you go along - and let me give you a hint - aggravation is your friend."

Pam: "OK, I'll try."

"Capital Cable your Conduit to the Cosmos, may I have the last four digits of your social and permission to access your records?"

"Thank you, and how may I help you?"

Art: "Ok, Miss. Phlet, let me stop you there. You may use the word help in this context, but remember - you do not help - you do nothing - remember? Here we go."

"Your last month's statement? Certainly sir, I have it right here.

"No, I'm sorry, I can't read your balance to you on the phone."

"Because we're not authorized to give out that information on the phone, it's very personal you know."

"But sir, how can I know this is really you?"

"Well, that may be true, but maybe it was a lucky guess, after all it's only four numbers."

"I don't think there's any cause for personal attacks sir, I'm just trying to help you".

"My supervisor? Certainly sir, just one moment."

Art: "OK, very good, very clever. Now, I'll play the supervisor - listen carefully."

"This is the supervisor; may I have the last four digits of your social, and your permission to access your records?"

Yes I know, let's have them again; after all, it's only four numbers.

Very good sir, now, do you happen to have a picture I.D. handy?

Well, with a picture I.D. in your hand, at least one of us will know it's really you, that's a start isn't it?

I'm sorry you feel that way, sir, thank you for calling Capital Cable'.

Art: "And, that, Miss Phlet, is how it's done."

Pam: "Wow, that was amazing."

Art: "Actually, that was a repeat of my personal best, three moves to checkmate - sixteen seconds. So, you seem capable enough, would you like the job?"

Pam: "Well, I'd like to know a little about how the pay works."

Art: "We pay on commission. For every person you get off the phone in under a minute, we pay a dollar, and we deduct two dollars for anyone you do something for."

Pam: "So, the less I do, the more money I make?"

Art: "Exactly, when do you want to start?"

Pam: "Well, I'm not doing anything right now."

Art: "Perfect. Hold that thought. You're hired."