After all, the typical middle schooler is self-centered, angst-ridden, given to wild mood swings, and so utterly convinced that what is happening to him (or her) is so unique that he (or she) should be classified, not just as a separate species, but outside the animal kingdom entirely. Such is not the type of person you would think of promoting global harmony. Not only that, middle schoolers lack the energy to take action. They come home from school totally exhausted, so pressed and drained by their troubles that they barely have the strength to collapse onto the sofa and turn on the TV, where they must remain in a lethargic stupor until dinner time. That is, unless the phone rings, which is an event which has the mystical power to make a middle schooler move faster than the speed of sound. However, if you should suggest that maybe if he (or she) hadn't stayed up until 2 AM the previous morning on a sugar and caffeine binge they would be more energetic, this comment will be met with rolled eyes.

Why then, you ask, do I think that the American middle schooler is the greatest force for world peace in the modern world? The answer is simple. America has created a number of institutions to deal with the middle schooler, such as the public schools, organized sports, video arcades, and the juvenile detention center. Most of the non-peaceful nations in the world are countries which lack the material to build similar facilities, and, thus, are forced to regulate their middle schoolers in more backward ways, such as using discipline and making them help around the house. In order to bring these nations into line, we have merely to threaten to send them some of our middle schoolers.

Getting the middle schoolers to their destination is no problem. We would simply have to fly them there with high altitude planes and push them out the door. They wouldn't even need parachutes, thanks to the wind resistance from their baggy clothing. Once there, without any TV, video games, and, worst of all, bereft of the telephone, they would send up such a storm of angst and self pity that not only would our enemies capitulate to our demands, they'll most likely pay to have their tormenters shipped out of the country! Not only is this plan beneficial, it's economical!

Of course, some people would think that worrying about hostile nations while letting our middle schoolers fall into a state where they're scarier than backwater despots and petty totalitarian regimes speaks with a rather dire tone of our own political future. But I am not one of them. I say, send forward our legions of angst wielding middle school students! Wear down the minds of our enemies until they can no longer hear themselves think! Don't worry; our college students will be along after the middle schoolers are through to put everything right. Before lunch, no less.