She has also been published in five books, taught writing and parapsychology at the college level, hosted a talk show, and written two books. A third book is in progress.

She is also an intuitive counselor/medium.

Click here to visit Sylvia's Writing site.

Click here to visit Sylvia's Paranormal site.

I am of course speaking about the condiments and other refrigerated foods that are caught in their "root" (lower body) chakras.

In my opinion, more of us should be made aware of what is going on in our refrigerators, especially we mothers. I bet you didn't know that's where our children are getting their lusty sex education, did you? Let me give you a brief summary of the situation, as I have witnessed it.

Red Ketchup and Yellow Mustard have finally been caught on one of their "saucy" beer runs. I, personally, saw them footing it, until the "hot" dogs bunned them in. Can you relish that? And right in front of my eyes, no less. But then it shouldn't be any surprise, considering most of us feel it's as American as baseball and apple pie. So who's too blame here?

Mothers, we have got to take this situation in hand. Let me give you another example of what is leading our youth astray: Those two famous encores, Leafy Lettuce and Creamy Mayonnaise, are in a tacky toss over too many "fruits and nuts" boldly loitering around—trying to impregnate. And I apologize if this subject matter is appearing too raw, but it really needs to be digested.

Therefore, without hasty judgments, allow me to lay all this before you where you can experience for yourself what I am trying to convey. Cheddar Cheese has cutout on "Canned" Ham, and is now laying 'round with Summer Sausage in a real cracker of an affair. And that popular foursome that tastefully attends every party (I'm told, and I got it right from party-goer's mouths) has arrayed more than it can tray. Dill Pickle, the father of that sweet baby has been crocked once too often, and Olive is pitted with him always being juiced. Celery stalked off stuffing the whole arrangement, as her heart was cutout when she caught Carrot curling with that, that, "hot" Radish Rose. Cauliflower and Broccoli stripped their leafy coverings and took a dip in the raw while people stood around with their mouths salivating. Then, as if that wasn't enough, Tomato and Cucumber decided to make their rounds, adding their earthiness into a seedy veg-out.

To make matter worse, the morning after the party, the Hog Brothers, Porky Link and Slab Bacon went into a fry over who's going to end up with that scrambled dish they met. Because it's been rumored that she's experienced at being laid. Others however, claim that even though she appears to be a "good egg," she really comes from a family of chickens.

As you probably know, we didn't have these earthy dilemmas in the olden days during the operation of the first refrigerated box, because everything was kept on ice.

The Cheese managed to age gracefully where getting old made it better. Lettuce was known to keep her cool. And Dill Pickle came from a long vine of respectability: The Cucumbers.

I, personally, blame all this on the "fast" food living style we now have. That's why I am appealing to all you mothers. We have to take these foods in hand and end this scandalous conduct in our refrigerators and at our parties. We need to demand "clean" refrigeration rights.

Down, I say, with the French not caring where they're dressing. Down, with the Onions' foul raping of our Butter.

Come on Mothers of America, fight all this dirty garbage! If we can screen our children from viewing unfit television programs, X-rated movies and from reading trashy books, then we should not allow them to open that refrigerator door every ten minutes (and I bet you didn't know that's why they do that) to view all that lusty moisture radiating off the foods.