John M:  No worse than lots of haole names. At least it's pronounced like it's spelled instead of some weird combination like Worchestershire.

LL:  You do have a point. There is a beautiful ring to it—does it have a meaning?

John M:  Yes, but I can't remember the haole word for it. The name means one who makes things of iron by beating the iron while it is red hot.

LL:  You mean like a blacksmith?

John M:  Yes. That's it! Smith!

LL:  Back on topic, Mr. Malpoy…mealap…uh, John, am I to assume that spam is cluttering up the Hawaiian internet lines just as much as anywhere else in the world?

John M:  What are you talking about?

LL:  Junk mail…unwanted electronic correspondence.

John M:  Who knows? We're not dealing with messages, we're talking Spam, you know, the canned spiced ham product that came to us from the mainland-more often referred to as "poor man's steak" or "mystery meat."

LL:  But I don't understand. Why would you want to mount a state-wide campaign against meat?

John M:  Obviously your organization hasn't prepared you with background for this interview. I'll give you a brief education. I am the president of CHASM. That stands for Concerned Hawaiians Against Spam and Musubi. Spam was brought to our islands as an attempt to make Hawaii a dump for yet another one of the greedy white man's attempts at making a fortune from junk.

LL:  So, native Hawaiians resent Spam?

John M:  On the contrary. Spam has become the national snack food. Among Hawaiians, it outranks hot dogs, hamburgers, even pizza. Some of our weaker denizens even view Hormel as the personification of one of the Hawaiian deities, maybe even the great Maui, himself.

LL:  What is this thing called "musubi?"

John M:  Musubi is the most popular way of eating Spam. It is seasoned rice and pieces of fried Spam wrapped in seaweed. So many are hooked on it that, on the islands, even McDonald's had to add it to their menu.

LL:  I don't understand. Why all this hatred for a meat product?

John M:  It represents our subjugation to the haole. Before their invasion, Hawaiians were a pure and peaceful people. We lived in a perfectly balanced eco-system and disease was unknown. Greed was not a part of our lives.

My organization, CHASM, exists to pave the way for HASH-Hawaiians Advancing a Superior Hawaii-to make our return to glorious independence.

LL:  How do they expect to accomplish such a task? Certainly open warfare is out of the question, unless you are expecting genocide.

John M:  Those of us who remain pure and true have had direct revelations from our gods. The time is approaching for them to take charge and restore our dignity. The great god, Maui will direct two groups that will conquer. First is the Huaka'i Po. They are the famous night marchers-ghost warriors of high rank. They often march at night to welcome new warriors or just to march in the old battlegrounds. They permit no disturbances from mortals and if you look into their eyes or stand in their way, they take your soul from you and you are dead. It is quite easy to recognize them for they pound drums, carry torches, chant and their feet don't touch the ground. Many people say they have either seen the night marchers' torches or have heard their drums. When the time is right, they will march through all the cities taking all the souls of the impure and destroying all semblance of haole culture. This will begin on the Pali Highway on Oahu and spread throughout the islands.

LL:  These sound like horrifying creatures. What is the other group?

John M:  Menehune! They are gods about two feet high. The creatures are usually naked, but their long straight hair falls to their knees to keep them warm and discreet. Each menehune has a distinct personality and appearance and their spirits are always changing; one could be malicious and dangerous one day, and harmless the next. They are cunning creatures, and should be avoided, unless a special favor is absolutely needed of them.

They will be the builders and restorers after the carnage from the Huaka'i Po. The little gods enjoy dancing, singing, and archery. To reverse the feelings in an angry person, the menehune sometimes use magic arrows to pierce the heart of angry people to ignite feelings of love instead.

One can request the expertise of the Menehune builders and craftsmen. In ancient times, Hawaiian men would sometimes marry menehune women, noted for their beauty. If you have the proper ancestry, the menehune act like benevolent godparents. Most projects will be completed in a single night by the super strong menehune, while all humans sleep.

LL:  Wow! This is fantastic. When will the time be right?

John M:  We call this time ho'oponopono which means "to make right." It will arrive when Hawaiians, as a nation, truly believe and throw off their oppressors to reign supreme. Therefore, Spam must go!