SHAYMONU: That is correct, sir. We intend to eliminate every vestige of this barbaric and degrading pastime.

LL: Many schools, because of budget constraints, are making serious cutbacks in the arts; but your reasons here are quite different from the norm. Would you explain your stance to our readers?

SHAYMONU: I'd be delighted. It's very simple. Our school, like most, has a zero tolerance policy. Band members are the perpetrators in ninety per cent of all of our policy related disciplinary action. Schools must become safe and we feel that giving the band the boot is the path to achieving the greatest good in the shortest period of time. Potentially dangerous situations cannot be tolerated.

LL: This all sounds amazing to me. Band members are usually the good kids in a school. How did this all come about?

SHAYMONU: It all got started about three years ago, when rumors flew that band members were passing drugs on band busses.

LL: I saw that in the paper. Didn't that turn out to be nothing more that sharing lemon drops?

SHAYMONU: The key here, sir, is the fact that the candy was not registered. Who knows what that stuff might have been laced with? In these times you can't be too careful. When one glosses over this type of covert activity, then it escalates. Done on a repeated basis, it becomes so commonplace that it attracts no notice. That's when the vicious little brats start adding other substances. Before you know it, we've nothing but a bunch of little addicts on our hands who eventually will plot the overthrow of the school, then the government itself. Anyone who would bring candy to school is comparable to a teen that would bring a gun. And just remember sir, this candy thing is just the tip of the iceberg.

LL: What else happened?

SHAYMONU: It has come to our attention that constant sexual harassment takes place during their after school practices.

LL: Really? I hadn't heard that one.

SHAYMONU: We've tried to keep that one quiet. It's rather embarrassing.

LL: So, you've had a lot of complaints from girls and their parents?

SHAYMONU: No. The band has spawned an atmosphere where the girls actually enjoy it.

LL: What constituted this harassment?

SHAYMONU: The boys actually ask them out on dates. Some of the more brazen ones have asked several girls two or three times.

LL: Sounds natural to me. Where's the problem?

SHAYMONU: The problem, sir, is that a public school cannot sanction such interaction. Young women of today must learn that dating can lead to other more risqué activities. These eventually lead to the objectizing of women and doom them to the secondary roles they have traditionally held. Besides, the local chapter of NOW is on our backs.

LL: You've got to be kidding.

SHAYMONU: I most certainly am not. This goes even further. We have become aware that during performances, the male band members, as well as many in the audience, are ogling the majorettes. This simply must stop. Those cute little outfits on those ripening bodies are a disgrace.

LL: Don't people ogle the cheerleaders too?

SHAYMONU: We must keep this interview on the topic at hand. Sports and its need to get crowds involved are a completely different topic. Young women must be able to dress any way they choose without fear of any one assuming they are easy.

LL: This all seems a bit contrived to me. I don't understand.

SHAYMONU: I'm just giving you background now. We haven't come to the real problem, weapons.

LL: Weapons.

SHAYMONU: Yes, the band is full of weapons. The color guard actually carries rifles.

LL: But those are pound and a half imitations.

SHAYMONU: Nevertheless, they look like rifles. That encourages the weaker and younger students to experiment with the real thing. Then there are those potentially lethal clubs that the majorettes twirl…batons, I think they call them.

LL: They are to enhance the music and to entertain with the skill of manipulation.

SHAYMONU: Who cares? Once again, it's the ideas that they put in peoples minds. I could go on and on. All the smaller instruments are easily converted to clubs. Trombone slides and bulging tubas can do unthinkable damage to anyone who might fall into harm's way. The percussion section handles sticks. No need to elucidate here. The bigger padded sticks are actually called beaters. Now, if that's not incitement to violence, I don't know what is. The band is a walking potential social disaster machine.

LL: I think I've heard everything now. Honestly, don't you think…

SHAYMONU: That's the point, sir. We don't want to think. We want to react, both quickly and decisively. We have a cut and dried policy that is spelled out very clearly and that has been officially sanctioned by the school board. No tolerance. Period.

LL: So what happens after the band is eliminated?

SHAYMONU: Oh, many things. Every member will be suspended until the end of the school year. The section leaders may receive a longer suspension. None of them will get their pictures in the yearbook, either. We are bringing delinquency charges on thirty-seven of the more overt ones. Next week we plan to file a class action suit against all band parents. We'll be suing them for neglect and endangerment of minors. The band director has been suspended without pay until his case comes up in court.

LL: A suit against the band director…for doing his job?

SHAYMONU: For abusing his power. We're charging him with contributing to the delinquency, conspiracy to create chaos, unauthorized assault training, and for incompetency and disobedience in the light that we had ordered him to cease and desist. A woman quite probably would have handled the situation differently and, probably, better.

LL: Uh…well…okay. Do you have a parting comment for our readers?

SHAYMONU: Yes. We will stand our ground. We will not tolerate anyone who strays from the accepted standards that we have legally ordained, voted on, and passed. We make the decisions. It doesn't take a village, it takes an educator.