The odd thing about his dilemma
Is that Carlton did not really care
He always seemed happy and smiling
Never noticing those who would stare

To others it mattered a'plenty
It bothered them more than a tad
"You can't be so dumb and still happy."
"He's making us smart folk look bad!"

So they held a most secretive meeting
With every smart thinker attending
And the town made the fateful decision
To bring Carlton's joy to an ending

The trap that they set was just shameful
A banquet in poor Carlton's honor
He smiled and shook hands and ate peanuts
Never knowing he'd soon be a goner

Then came the penultimate moment
A toast from the whole town assembly
The mayor himself did the honors
As he did though, his voice became trembly

This was not the time to be weak-kneed
He thought to himself as he spoke
Poor Carlton was grinning profusely
Never knowing this all was a hoax

The plan that the town folk concocted
Was to fill Mr. Lemley with liquor
Then blame his sad, drunken behavior
For his demise in the Hatchatee River

Into the evening they toasted
Ol' Carlton was pleased beyond measure
The hours they passed as a blinking
Twas an evening he always would treasure

As night turned to wee early morning
Their plan seemed at fault to it's core
For no matter how much they all drank
Carlton would drink that much more!

One by one they all fell to the wayside
The unconscious bodies were piling
The plan they'd concocted unraveled
While Carlton kept drinking and smiling

The last one to fall was the mayor
Face down in potato soufflé
Ol' Carlton grinned ever so slightly
And stood up to be on his way

Just as he started to exit
A thought came to Ol' Carlton's mind
These folk all had such nice accessories
T'would be shameful to leave them behind

So he gathered up all of their jewelry
Their wallets, wristwatches and derbys
Why, he even took all of the silver
He didn't leave one single serving!

The truth 'bout Ol' Carlton Lemley
Is his head may be quite a bit thicker
But smarts really don't matter much do they?
If a person cannot hold their liquor